Nicole Kidman recalls Tom Cruise divorce left her 'struggling' after 2003 Oscar win

Nicole Kidman does not have fond memories of the night she won her Oscar.

In an interview published in Dave Karger's new book, "50 Oscar Nights," Kidman recalled "struggling with things in [her] personal life" when she won the Academy Award for best actress in 2003, for playing Virginia Wolf in "The Hours." Kidman tearfully accepted the award, struggling to make it through her acceptance speech through her tears.

"Russell Crowe said ‘don’t cry when you get up there,’ and now I’m crying," she said in the speech.

At the time, the "Big Little Lies" actress had recently finalized her divorce from actor Tom Cruise after 11 years of marriage and was dealing with the emotional turmoil that came with it.

Nicole Kidman revealed she could not enjoy her Oscar win due to the turmoil in her personal life. (Getty Images)

NICOLE KIDMAN TALKS DIVORCE WITH TOM CRUISE, MEDIA SCRUTINY: 'I OFFERED IT UP'

"I went home and ended up ordering takeout and eating it on the floor of the Beverly Hills Hotel," she said. "I sat on the floor of the hotel eating French fries and a burger with my family and went to bed. That’s when it hit me. I went, ‘I need to find my love; I need a love in my life.’ Because this is supposed to be when you go, ‘This is ours.’"

She went on to say she "was in bed before midnight" and "went to bed alone," saying if she was to win an Academy Award again, she would "be out for 24 hours." 

Kidman explained she tried to celebrate that night, attending the Vanity Fair party with her award. She noted she "was completely overwhelmed, emotional, shaking," and "didn’t enjoy it." She remembered feeling "almost apologetic" for having won, saying "I wish I could have enjoyed it more."

"I’m not a big party girl, so I was going to skip the Vanity Fair party, and everyone was like, ‘You’ve got to go. You’ve got to walk through the party carrying your Academy Award,’" she explained. "I said, ‘That just feels like gloating, and it doesn’t feel humble.’ Like, what? You can’t walk through carrying the award! That feels really inappropriate. They’re like, ‘That’s what you do.’"

Nicole Kidman felt "overwhelmed" when at the Vanity Fair Oscars after party. (Photo by Joe Llano/WireImage)

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Since winning the Oscar in 2003, Kidman has not only been nominated for three more Academy Awards, she has also found her soulmate. 

Just two years later, Kidman met and began dating Australian country singer, Keith Urban, who she married in June 2006. The two have since welcomed two children together, daughters Sunday Rose and Faith Margaret.

Kidman told the WSJ Magazine in May 2020, she fell in love with Urban when he took her on a motorcycle ride and packed her a picnic on one of their dates. "I was a goner," the actress told the magazine, adding his "mellow" personality was also a big turn on.

The singer and actress are often seen together on the red carpet, frequently showing affection for one another while posing for photos. 

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Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban often show affection for one another while on the carpet. (Getty Images)

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"I met him later in life, and it's been the best thing that's ever happened to me. That man is the best thing that's ever happened to me," she told Gayle King in a January 2022 interview on "CBS This Morning." "We're a mix. We're very suited [for each other]. I'm incredibly lucky to have met him."