'Holding grief and joy at the same time': What it means to have a rainbow baby

Starting a family is an exciting time for many adults, but it can also be challenging for others. Some families may struggle with infertility, or complications may arise along the way. It’s estimated that as many as 26% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and stillbirth affects about 1 in 175 births. 

In reality, there is no “normal” way of becoming a parent, says Lindsey Henke, the founder and executive director of Pregnancy After Loss Support (PALS). Every family has a unique start. 

For those expecting a “rainbow baby” or just wanting to learn more, here’s everything you need to know.

What is a rainbow baby?

A rainbow baby is a baby born (or adopted) after the loss of a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth or another complication. The term is often attributed to a quote by author Shannon L. Adler – “After every storm, there is a rainbow.” The more clinical term is “subsequent pregnancy.”

Many families identify with the phrase “rainbow baby” because their subsequent pregnancy represents hope after grief. It can also be a way of honoring a child who is no longer living but an ever-present member of your family. 

“Your rainbow baby doesn’t replace the child you lost or the children you lost,” Henke says. “I think that’s why people gravitated towards the term rainbow baby because it acknowledges this storm happened and then afterward, there is this hope that comes out of it like a rainbow.”

Henke's first child, Nora, was stillborn after a healthy full-term pregnancy in 2012. She described her pregnancy with her second daughter as “holding grief and joy at the same time.”

“The most people can be is usually cautiously optimistic,” Henke says, “But a lot of times it’s like walking a tightrope between trying to take steps toward joy and embracing this baby and bonding with this baby – which is often hard for subsequently pregnant people to do – and then also remembering the baby that died, grieving that baby and holding space for both.”

But not every parent identifies with the term “rainbow baby” and wants to refer to their subsequent pregnancies as such. Henke, also a psychotherapist who specializes in maternal mental health, says she founded PALS with the understanding that not everybody may embrace the rainbow baby philosophy.

On one hand, the term can be shorthand for telling someone about your experience with child loss without getting into the details, Henke says. On the other hand, some parents have issues identifying their subsequent children with that grief. Others have a hard time associating the child they lost with a storm.

“Some people who really take on this terminology, it’s not the baby that died that’s the storm, it’s more about the grief that comes afterward," Henke says.

But for those who do identify with the term, it can be a good way to explain to children the siblings that came before them, especially in the form of children’s books.

“If you love it or hate it, I think that we’ve brought such quick slogan awareness with rainbow baby to the challenges of losing a baby,” Henke says. “It’s ‘both, and’ … a way for us to say ‘hey, there’s more of family than what meets the eye.’”

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What is a sunshine baby?

A “sunshine baby” is one born before pregnancy loss – a sign of hope and the “calm before the storm,” some parents say. 

‘Rainbow baby’ parents experience unique pregnancy journey

Subsequent pregnancies – or being pregnant with a “rainbow baby” – aren’t like any other pregnancy, Henke says. Her clients, and herself included, don’t appreciate friends and family thinking the subsequent pregnancy makes up for loss.

“Don’t diminish their losses, don’t think that because they’re pregnant everything is better now,” Henke says. “The idea of the rainbow doesn’t negate the storm.”

Part of this is the unique stress of loss milestones – approaching the anniversary of the loss, the gestational week where you lost the baby or ultrasounds where you find out the baby’s sex. Subsequently pregnant people may feel particularly anxious at doctor’s appointments or worry they’re going to jinx the pregnancy. 

Having a care team of doctors that understand your situation may help, Henke says, including clinics that have been popping up around the country specializing in pregnancy after loss. PALS also hosts an app where users can learn coping mechanisms for both their physical and emotional health. 

How to support loss parents 

The loss parent community often finds ways to memorialize the child they loss, Henke says. This could be with symbols, tattoos, pictures, jewelry, weighted stuffed animals or quilts.

“The more you can connect with your baby or babies that died or hold space for them and your grief, the more you can actually make space for the baby or children that come after,” Henke says.

Friends and family of loss parents can also do their part to incorporate the child that died in their lives as well. 

Use the term rainbow baby as a conversation starter. Ask your friend or family member if it resonates with them or, if not, is there something else that resonates more? Is there a certain way they prefer you acknowledge or refer to the baby that died and the baby that’s on the way? If they named the baby, would they like you to use that name?

Friends and family should also be mindful of potential triggers for those who have lost a child – baby showers, conversations about grandchildren or relatives who are the same age the child who died would’ve been.

Healing looks different for every family, but at the end of the day, it’s about acknowledging the grief while “holding space for all family members,” Henke says.

When is National Rainbow Baby Day 2023?

National Rainbow Baby Day was on Aug. 22. The date occurs on Aug. 22 every year and was founded by Alexis Delchiaro and What The Fertility, according to PALS.

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